Remembering April 6, 1996 – A day I changed forever

“We know where you live and if you go to the police, We’ll come inside your house when you least expect me. We’ll be there, waiting for you.” I was numb with fear but also hazy from whatever they made me drink.

Four of them. My mind couldn’t wrap around that fact. Four guys my age. They weren’t strangers. They were stationed with my friends boyfriend.

They casually dropped me off at my car parked at the gas station on Broadway. It was still there. How did this happen?

Somehow I drove myself to Vanderbilt.
Shock.
Pain.
Blood everywhere.

So much blood everywhere. Did they cut me? Why is there so much blood???

It hurts. OH GOD. It hurts! Make the pain stop. Someone please make the pain stop.

Strangely, my fear motivated me. Then my fear silenced me. I became numb with a vague memory of them saying I wanted it. But I didn’t! I tried screaming but my mouth was quickly shut and I was overpowered with the force of their weight on me.

Still hazy and confused, I walked into Vanderbilt and gave a brief disruption to the clerk behind the desk.

….”Jacque, Vanderbilt doesn’t do rape kits. …..

…………You will have to be transported in the police car to ensure that nothing is contaminated.”

RAPE KITS??????????

Everything was a blur. I lost part of my sanity.

“Is there anyone we can call for you, Ms. Are you okay?” I was trying to scream that I was definitely not okay but the words got caught in my throat.

My mind went blank. Call? What will I tell him? Oh no. NOOOO!!!! Wait. I can’t drive myself home. Oh God!!! How will I get home? I think I need a doctor.

……”Ms, you won’t be able to drive yourself home because you received pain medication at Vanderbilt.”

Numb.

Unable to speak.

…”Is there anyone that we can call for you?”

What? Wait a minute. Oh god!!!

Nooo! I don’t want to see anyone. I just want to hide away from the world a little while longer.

….but she just wouldn’t leave me alone.

I reluctantly gave the nurse his number.

This isn’t good. This isn’t good at all. Why didn’t I call Anna, or Kelli, Mawmaw or Emily or ANYONE ELSE?

Will he ever look at me the same? He doesn’t like it when a boy looks at me, how is he going to react to this? Will he believe me when I tell him that I said to stop but they covered my mouth…noo. Suddenly, I can’t breathe. I can’t speak.

The Nurse Practitioner asked me a series of questions. “Is there any chance that you could be pregnant?”

My

Mind

Went

Blank.

My body began shaking uncontrollably.

Pregnant? Oh God.

NO!!!!

I said, “No….but….what if…” I couldn’t finish my question.

Shame.

I couldn’t look at her. My head dropped in my lap.

She looked at me with empathy and said, “What if?”

I couldn’t speak. I cried instead. She held me.

During the exam she asked me a series of questions. All of which are a blur now. I just remember her telling me that something, an object with “Splinters” was forced in me. “Do you know what that could be?”

Yes, I do. The hammer. Make the memories stop.

Exam completed. Preventative medications were given to me. Detectives questioned me. More medicine given to help me relax.

I remember her. The smell of his hair as his held me. His childhood bed gave me temporary comfort, however I was numb and feeling everything. More sleeping pills. Him lying next to me. Holding me. Sleeping. My body weak, in shock and completely numb.

Pain so deep that I wanted to crawl in a pit of darkness and die.

……A part of me actually dying.

JMS