To the four strangers…

For years you had control over my mind, my thoughts and even my actions.

What you did to me changed who I am. You weakened my spirit and my desire to live. You violated not only my body but my mind as well. You stole the parts of myself that I will never get back.

You lead me down to a bottomless pit of emptiness.

Fear of you consumed me. Everywhere I went, I was afraid you’d come out of the shadows and hurt me again. I was no longer safe. You striped me of my security. I jumped in fear of any stranger approaching me. Always assuming that everyone was capable of hurting me.

Scared to run.

Scared to go to work.

Scared to leave my home.

Scared to be at home.

Scared to sleep because every time I closed my eyes, I’d see you.

I hated you. Wished you a terrible death. Wished to die myself. Prayed to the universe to stop the pain and let me die. You took my sanity.

You told me to not speak to the police. What did I have to lose at this point? You already killed me.

I somehow found the willpower to fight for my sanity. I decided to live. I decided to take control of my life back.

Picking up the pieces of my shattered heart is something I’ve been doing since I was born. You thought you destroyed me, but in a twisted way, your actions only gave me more strength and courage.

One day at a time. Some days it would be four hours at a time.

It took me nine weeks to run again but the moment was everything. I beat you. You had your way with my body and maybe you still have the ability to control my mind, but I will beat you down like a mad woman. I will fight you to the end and I will win!!!

You knocked me down, but you didn’t knock me out.

I changed the day that you decided to hurt me.
What you did to me forced me into doing something that I’ve never done before. Seek help. Talk about my feelings, not just the happy ones, I’m all over that….but the not so pleasant feelings.

….the secrets of my childhood.

I was asked during my first session, “What do you hope to accomplish by seeing me?”

Without hesitation, “I want to take control of my life back and I want to find love for myself so that I can let those that don’t love me go.”

A lot has happened since that scary day in April.

I moved out of the comfort of my own apartment because of my fear of being alone into a space I’ve made a home.

I made some really hard decisions that made my life so much better. I forgave and let go and moved on from the pain of my past that had been holding me back.

I put more energy into living for the moment and making each moment count.

I gained enough strength to walk away from a relationship that has expired.

I found peace within myself.

I fell in love with the girl that I’ve become.

I fell in love with life.

You died from my thoughts.

I lived.

I win!!!!

JMS