Amy,

If the person we were that day didn’t meet, would I be the same? Would I had felt as badly as I did? I’m not necessarily bitter or remorseful or maybe even lingering over past emotions.

But I just wonder…would I be as guarded as I have been if you didn’t do the things you did, or say the things you said? You were the person that made me feel safe, yet, you were the only person that was capable of killing me. And you did. Sadly, you did.

I never would have expected you to, but you did. There’s a lot of things I wouldn’t mind re-writing if I could. I wouldn’t mind going back to that one day and change everything all over again. But then again….

Would I trade the moments we shared together? Our trips around the globe? Our home, countless days and nights of laughter, Sebastian and Butchie? Would I give up walking to you in love? Do you regret giving me your last name? Would I give up opening up to you, sharing all that I am, who I was before that brutal night in April? I still wonder if you resent me for what happened to me that night. It was as if who we were seized to exist after my innocence was stolen.

I wouldn’t be the same person. I wouldn’t know as much as I do. The truth about forever, and promises and all of those days constantly wishing for my sanity and finally recognizing that I have been settling for too long.

Being so hurt that I didn’t allow anyone else to get close enough to my heart. No one could love me the way you did, because I knew it would end. I never wanted to experience that again.

Losing you changed me. Your love changed me, too. When I lost it, I lost myself.

Forgiving you finally allowed me to let go. Let love in. I’m willing to give my heart to someone else. I can’t let what you did affect me anymore.

Loving you and losing you taught me a lot about myself. The lessons have taken a while to see for what they are, but in the end, I am better for knowing you.

So, I don’t regret any of it.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t.

It all led me to this moment, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything!!!

JMS