As I sit here thinking about the sweet sound of your voice, how the softness of your lips enamored my being, that beautiful smile that transforms me into a giddy thirteen year old girl and how you take my breath away, I simply can’t control this smile on my face anymore. My mind is continually replaying our conversations. My heart is on fire. You’re constantly in my thoughts. I give in. I believe in it’s magic. These feelings for you, I can’t dismiss. I long to hold you; kiss all of your scars away into oblivion. I crave you like most people crave oxygen. I feel as though our souls have finally met at the right time and all of the hell of my past finally makes sense, because it was leading me back to you all along.

In the midst of my happy place where I am dancing with you, my past creeps up like a demon in the night sucking the air dry, and suddenly I can’t breathe. Fear has taken over my entire being. It has built a place of its own in my mind. Suddenly I remember everything. You leaving me. My shattered heart, missing pieces of my sanity, curling up into a ball and begging the pain to just die. The walls are closing in on me. How did I get here? I’m so numb, yet I feel everything. I’m choking on my own breath. There’s no air. Everything I see and touch and hear kills me. I can’t take this pain anymore. I run to you…but you’re no longer there. I wanted so desperately to know more of you, to understand you, to feel what you feel, to know your flaws and what keeps you up at night. I craved to learn whom you’ve become in the last 14 years. My greatest desire was to kiss your wounds and make you forget any pain your heart has felt. To be what you desired. To be your deepest craving. Your fingerprints are all over my heart. Now I’m nothing but a bottomless pit of emptiness. I swore I’d never allow myself to get here again.I was happy before you but now…..I can’t breathe.

I gave in knowing my deepest fears would forever haunt me. I believed in you, me, and a possible happily ever after. Am I just a fool? The worst part is never being able to go back. I can’t un-know you. Pretend like you were just a dream. A part of my imagination. I know you exist for I felt you in me. Weakness is consuming me. You left me again. I stand still in this moment for fear that if I move, I will truly break. I will shatter…..

Suddenly my phone beeps and it’s a message from you. I smile and act as if nothing is wrong. I keep those fears buried deep inside. I believe in this. What does that mean exactly? Everything!!!

I’ve adored you being a part of my life and I can’t imagine life after you. There is no longer a me, without you. I’m certain of it. I’m also terrified because no matter when you leave me, I can’t un-know you. I can no longer pretend as if you don’t exist in this world. I can’t un-know your smile, your desires, the part of you that you’ve shared with me. I can’t un-know your lips, your sweet voice, your endearing laughter or your perfect curves or the way my body has responded to you. I melt. I get weak in the knees. I just want more and more. I will keep my fears buried. I’ll spend my time cherishing each new moment. Until……………I can’t breathe anymore..

JMS