I live in this bubble, plagued by anxiety, yet filled with false hope and irrational expectations. In this bubble, I’m constantly exhausted by emotions caused by things I am entirely able to escape. Things like accepting friendships and relationships from people who don’t deserve or appreciate the amount of love I’m willing to give. Trying to stay friends with an ex. Letting people take advantage of me. All because I’ve created this fantasy for myself where I’m able to make everyone else happy and somewhere along the way I expect my own happiness to find itself.

If I put even half the amount of energy into making myself happy that I put into making other people happy, I’d be the most carefree person in existence. I’d know how to really be single. I’d know how to say no, how to stand up for myself, and I’d know that life isn’t going to happen in the way I have it planned in my head.

Everything bad seems to happen all at once because we become blanketed with negativity & we block out the good. I was deeply hurt by four strangers that nearly killed me and though it’s been years, the memory of that tragic night has taken up so much space in my head and in my life. Later I had to fight for my sanity and I was almost destroyed a second time by a tremendous loss. My girlfriend kept making promises to me about making a long term commitment and having a family and then breaking my heart, repeatedly, knowing she’d never follow through, but she also wasn’t willing to let me go. She was really good at pretending to have her shit together but I finally had to say enough is enough and walk away.

So everything felt shitty until I realized how many good things have happened to me in the past few months. The biggest of those things being the fact that I am graduating with my masters in less than 3 months and will finally begin doing my dream job. I have lived with two of the best gals ever born and keep meeting beautiful and amazing people and enjoying the old friends. I’ve decided that I’m going to be moving away from Tennessee for the first time in my life. I’ve had to fight for my happiness and sanity and I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been. I’m learning and growing every single day.

Today I’m starting over. I’m free to do what I need to do to get my feet back on the ground. I’m not done trying to please people but I am done giving all of my energy to people who don’t deserve it.

I am not going to invest in someone who can’t invest in me.

JMS