I tossed and turned last night and woke up from a dream about a friend and I in California and laughing as we headed into a Japanese restaurant. She mentioned that she had something important to tell me and that’s when I woke up. It was 3am so I went to get some water and went back to sleep.

I woke up thinking about my mom and missing her so much.

I cleaned the house, went for a run and turned up the music and danced.

I went to the park and as I was swinging, I saw a mother of about 26 years old chasing her toddler around the playground. She was very pregnant. I’m guessing she’s going to have a new bundle of joy very soon. I don’t know anything about this woman but I can tell you that she is absolutely beautiful. She was glowing. She’s about 5’8 with short brown hair and she was wearing a long blue dress with keds shoes. She was fanning herself while her son was sliding down and he was laughing so loud that I laughed out loud. He had blonde hair and blue eyes and a little mohawk. Adorable.

A million things went through my head.

Being four years old with long hair in ponytails and a blue and while polka-dotted dress and white shoes, chasing butterflies with Grandma. We were laughing so hard that day. Being on the farm with her and Grandpa were some of the best days in my life.

Riding Jack and Cody like they were my little ponies.

Horse-back riding. Shane. My favorite white horse. He was so beautiful. I loved riding him and just running around with him.

Going to Opryland with my mom on the days she was sober, riding rollercoasters with me, even though she was terrified. She loved it. She was laughing at herself for being so frightened and we immediately jumped back in line to ride them again.

I am overjoyed about the new changes coming to my life but also a little afraid.

Will I succeed? Will I help my patients? Will I be an asset to their lives?

Playing tennis with Emily and Bo and Jennifer and thinking about how much we all sucked. I play a good game now. All of that practice paid off. Shooting hoops on the court, trying to fit in when I was really born to be a cheerleader.

I really need to go to the grocery store because clean eating begins Monday.

I wonder if I need a new battery for my MacBook. I can’t use it longer than 25 minutes at 100% charge without it dying.

What am I going to do for the next 4 days with the house to myself? One thing for sure..a lot of dancing.

There’s pieces of me gone forever and I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same.

It’s so peculiar to me that I am the happiest that I have ever been, more comfortable in my own skin and for the first time I am not seeking validation from anyone else.

Maybe the pieces of my heart that I lost will never be recovered.

Maybe the wound will always be slightly open.

….but I’m alive.

The love and joy in my life are doing a great job at keeping my heart so full that the missing pieces can’t cripple me.

I survived the storm.

Now I have to live with the reminder from time to time what I lost, but I also gained so much.

I survived.

#Iwin

Jms