I highly recommend every able-bodied human reading this post to take advantage of the special at Sol Yoga in La Jolla where new students can pay $49 for an unlimited month. I wasn’t sure if I had lost my mind paying that much since the place back home is $10 for 10 sessions, but hey, I’m not in Tennessee anymore.
Anyway, I’ve been telling myself for three months now that I would buy that package and experience this new-age hipster fad. After 2 days of endless beignets, cider and mimosas with friends, I decided a 7-day detox would be the most logical way to ease back into a healthy, active lifestyle.
So in addition to drinking a lot of hot lemon and cucumber water and eating copious amounts of kale, strawberries and blueberries, I decided to try this hot yoga thing. I FINALLY committed and took advantage of the 30 days at Sol Yoga. Today was my first day.
I am desperate to get back to my happy place. I’m not really understanding how I lost it so soon after finding it. It’s been a sleepless night, waking up at my normal time of 6am, falling asleep with tears on my cheeks because the girl that I wanted to give my heart to has suddenly disappeared from my life and listening to my “I just want to cry tonight” playlist on Apple Music, while staring at the ceiling kind of day. Since the move, I’ve had the most restful nights, always waking up with peace and really not worrying about anything. I miss my friends back home and I still need those relationships to survive, but I don’t worry about being forgotten. Last night wasn’t peaceful, but I did sleep. I woke up confused and full of regret and unanswered questions that still nag at me. I am an extroverted person who enjoys alone time, but my loneliness was at it’s peak yesterday and I didn’t really have anyone to go to. I do not consider myself to be someone who gets sad or depressed a lot, actually, it’s very rare when I do. Gloomy better describes my feelings. A situation from my past caused me to lose maybe the one person that I never wanted to lose. Not only because I came to believe that she was my soul mate but when you have a deep connection with another human, it’s difficult when that relationship is severed. Staying in bed until the sun went down again…was definitely an option.
But I don’t sulk in self pity, nor do I want to make the pain even greater by lying in bed wondering why, repeatedly.
So, I got my bum out of bed, filled up my water bottle, grabbed a yoga mat and a towel and made the trek to La Jolla.
It was intimidating. This place is the literal embodiment of zen. Like if zen were a room in a building, it would be Sol Yoga. Motivational quotes are written on a variety of chalkboards, posters, pieces of paper in picture frames, tiny waterfalls flow over smooth gray rocks, the white walls look like they were just painted 10 minutes before and everyone in the place moves like a ballerina. If you know me at all, you know that though I try to be graceful and walk with sexiness, I am the opposite of zen. So I had to fake my ballerina zen.
The yoga teacher, Heidi, she’s cool. But then she handed me off to this uptight lady who’s in charge of showing new students around the studio. She pointed with stiff fingers to the water filling station, the bathroom, the amenities sitting in the cute little basket below the sink, the spotless showers and the “hot room.” This lady was not zen-full like the rest of the ballerinas. She made me want to run to my car and drive away. Like, holy shit woman, I’m new here.
“This is the hot room. Once you come in here, you can’t really leave.”
So that was comforting to hear. It’s good to know that if I’m on the verge of vomiting, passing out, or just general dying, I couldn’t leave. I was stuck in the 100+ degree room, sweat pooling all around me, no matter if I was conscious or not. So naturally, I thought to myself, “this is it. This is where it ends.” The first 5 minutes before she finally explained to me if I had to leave I COULD in fact, leave, I was asking myself, “is this really how you want to go?”
But then Heidi came back in and she said some uplifting things like, “you guys are beasts,” and “today’s a beautiful day,” and things like that, so I felt more ballerina zen again.
Except, to begin the class, all we did was stand up for breathing exercises and sweat was already streaming down my face like a rainstorm. I was a little embarrassed, regardless of how many times Heidi told us not to compare ourselves to the yogis around us. I mean, I was dripping. It got to the point, just in the warm-up, where I asked myself, “Is it possible I’m losing too much water?!”
But here’s the part where I do that thing I always do when I get inevitably over-sentimental.
The one thing Heidi repeated throughout the entire practice was to look ourselves in the eyes. The room, covered in mirrors, is the perfect place to stare at yourself – and that in itself is terrifying. I can’t say I looked myself in the eyes the entirety of every move. I spent a lot of time staring at my legs, my feet, or the reflection of the face of the person in front of me. When I glimpsed into my own eyes, it was hard to keep it up. But I reminded myself to listen to Heidi. “Don’t judge yourself, don’t compare yourself and look into your eyes, even if it’s hard.”
It’s a depressing thing to admit how astronomically hard it is for me to look into my own eyes and not be deterred by horrible insecurities. I could sit here for an hour and a half and tell you everything I saw in myself that I hated, but instead I’ll tell you the sliver of beauty I truly saw by looking into my eyes.
Well, I had to do it, even if looking into my eyes was going to make it worth every penny, then I was gonna do it. Beneath all the insecurities, I did see strength. I did see myself pushing through, not only a 90 minute hot yoga class, but the feeling of loss that had been following me all day. I woke up and decided not to wallow in self-pity. I decided to be strong that day, and when I looked into my eyes, I saw that I was.
I also saw physical beauty. I didn’t, by any means, look into my eyes and think, “Wow, you look really hot despite your naked, sweat-soaked face and old workout clothes that reveal too much of your flawed body.” But I did think about how beautiful it is that I’m able to do yoga. I did recognize the beauty in just being there, doing the yoga poses, working through the sweat and not having to suffer through some kind of chronic pain. I was there, I was able, I was beautiful.
I could already see an improvement today. Looking into my eyes was easier – not easy, but easier. Holding the poses felt more natural, I felt more at peace. I actually walked out of the studio with a heightened feeling of acceptance toward my curvy, sweating body and makeup-less face. Both days, I left the studio feeling 150% better than when I walked in. Not only physically, but emotionally. Primarily emotionally, which is probably what I need the most.
So, yeah. I get it. I get the hot yoga fad. If you embrace it and invite change into your life, the changes will come. Guarantee it.
Jms
Where Love Heals 