It’s so hard to unlearn everything that my past has taught me.

…but I am working hard at seeing my self worth and letting go of what has kept me in bondage for so long.

It’s a process.

I think that I’ve come so far and then I’m reminded that I still have so much wrong to correct.

I thought that once I went through the process of forgiving those that hurt me, it would be over.

Just like that, I’d be better.

I was wrong.

There are things that I was taught as early as six-years-old that still affect me and my relationship with others.

It’s very rare that I talk about those early memories with anyone. I’ve gotten so accustomed to holding them in and keeping them private, as if that would make them go away.

Before I was 6 years old, I was taught that love meant being locked in your bedroom while you listened to your mother being beaten or you were beaten for crying too loud. I was taught that being neglected and abused by your parents was okay because it wasn’t them, it was the drugs. I was taught that I was a stupid little girl because I had a hard time finishing my peas. (to this day, I still can’t stand the smell of them) I was taught that monsters really did exist but they weren’t hiding under your bed or in your closet, they were your step-father and your babysitter and the woman that gave birth to you. I was taught that I was stupid, unworthy of love and an inconvenience to my addicted “parents.”

I was eventually removed out of that hell hole and saved by my grandparents, but then my mom would be good for a while and I found myself living in two completely different worlds, one with two healthy, loving grandparents and one with a parent that allowed different men to dictate how I’d be treated.

When I was with my grandparents, they were re-wiring my brain into believing that I was loved and that I was capable, smart, funny, beautiful, good and worthy of love. I had to unlearn the abuse, over and over.

I had to learn how to receive hugs from everyone, especially men. I spent the years to come doing everything in my power to be the best, so that no one would stop loving me. I had to constantly remind myself that I wasn’t a failure. I had to learn that unconditional love does exist and it doesn’t hurt you.

I had to learn that real love doesn’t go away. It forgives and fights for you. It supports you. It rejoices when you’re happy. It does not fail you. People may fail you, but their love doesn’t.

I left my home at 18 thinking I had it all figured out. I was joking myself, as most 18 year olds do.

I thrived in college. I became a social butterfly with a lot of friends. I even joined Kappa Kappa Gamma and immediately had sisters everywhere. I was a different person with each of them. Whomever they needed or wanted me to be, that’s who I became. I didn’t realize how out of control my loathe for myself had gotten. I didn’t think for one second that I had any self-esteem issues.

I was in a very loving relationship for five and a half years. I worked hard to make her stay in love with me.

Fear of Rejection always being my middle name.

I enjoyed the same hobbies, liked the same food, listened to the same music, had the same dreams, set goals that she could be proud of, and worked hard at making her happy, never once thinking about my own needs and desires.

I lost myself in her. I lost my own identity. I became everything that she needed me to be because I thought that was the only way she’d love me.

For a while, it worked well for us. We were actually happy. She taught me real love. She even loved me when I made mistakes and when I failed her. She didn’t set ridiculous expectations for me. We had a pretty good relationship for a while. We were healthy. I felt safe.

I gave her all of me.

I told her everything about my life, growing up, about my monsters, about my fears, and about my dreams.

She did the same with me.

She taught me how to be loved. I knew how to love but it was a process, and still is for me to accept someone else loving me.

I started realizing that somewhere along the way, I had lost myself and started working on becoming my own.

I started doing things that I enjoyed without sacrificing my relationship.

I made my own friends and encouraged her to do the same.

I accepted an offer with a dream company doing what I wanted to do at that time more than anything.

It was the beginning of a wonderful future, for both of us.

Until one day I came home to find out that she was leaving me. I no longer breathed air from the oxygen that she once gave me.

I had my own desires and needs and wants and she did not like that.

She thought that me loving things that didn’t include her meant that I didn’t love her.

I spent the next 11 years unlearning everything that her cheating taught me.

It did more damage than I’d like to admit and acknowledge.

I wasn’t really willing to go through the heartbreak of losing someone like that again.

So, I dated people but I never fully trusted anyone.

I never fully let anyone close enough to where they could break me.

I have loved, as much as possible, but the damage was done and it was going to take time to undo it all.

I even started accepting things in relationships that I knew weren’t right.

Part of me was doing it because I just needed love, the same way we all need oxygen.

Part of me was so broken that I don’t think I really cared.

Learning and believing something are two totally different things.

I’m a good student. I love learning new things but believing them, sometimes is so difficult.

I’ve been taught that what happens to me on a daily basis is boring and unimportant.

I have to remind myself constantly that I am worthy of pure love. The kind that doesn’t judge and supports and wants to see me shine.

I am learning that just because someone gets mad at me or is disappointed in me, doesn’t mean they are going to leave me or stop loving me.

I am learning that people do care about me and that I deserve it.

Rejection isn’t always about me.

I am learning that I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, funny enough, and just enough!!!

That’s so hard to remember sometimes.

It’s a process.

…and I won’t stop working on it.

I’m learning that as long as I am who I am all of the time with everyone, that is enough.

because trying to be someone else, is quite exhausting.

JMS