Your words stung me like a thousand bees. I feel nothing at all, yet I feel everything.

You didn’t waste time asking me my favorite color. You seemed interested in really getting to know who I am. I swear I felt our souls touch. I felt electricity, chemistry and energy without even being touched by you.

Without ever touching me, you had already become a part of me. You made me laugh, you made me trust you. You opened my heart up to the possibility of love, really real love. I don’t blame you. I blame myself for believing you felt the same. My life was blissful before even knowing you. You came along and awakened something in me I didn’t even know had died….the desire to share myself with another person, the desire to give all of who I am to another person. Loving someone means they have the power to break you, and to me you were worth it. You are the first person to know the woman I’ve become and for that I am proud.

I think about the future and all that I want and I could picture you in it. I was beginning to believe that all of the answers to the questions I didn’t even know that I had were within you. I can’t un-know you. I can’t just turn a switch off to the wants and desires within me. As much as I can’t make you want me, I can’t force myself to stop wanting you either. I feel cheated out of a life we will never have, of what we will never mean to each other. I feel regret for fooling myself into believing in this lasting, especially after such a short period of time. I feel sad for the loss of us. I miss you with incredible pain. You said that I am not the one. Then you said that you desire me.

I don’t understand. If you feel something, why would you ever let me go? Is it my height, the scars on my body, the size of my chin, the length of my hair, the way my toes curl up when I am cold, my voice, my hair color, my eye color or my nose. Tell me what is wrong with me!! Do I read too much, or not enough? Is it the way I snore sometimes, or my taste in music, maybe it’s my career, or my dreams, my family, my lack of family, my flaws, my pet peeves, am I your pet peeve? Am I just not good enough for you? Do you think I’m incapable of being what you need? Am I too broken? Why did you awaken needs and desires in me to only to say good-bye so soon? Was I just convenient to satisfy your current situation then leave in the dust?

I asked you what’s wrong with me. You said, “there’s nothing wrong with you.” Why did you lie?

I keep reminding myself that I am okay. I can get through everything life brings my way. After all, it’s not as if we had a longtime love affair, right? We barely knew each other. The connection that I felt must’ve been my imagination running wild.

I am actually smiling, in the middle of my day when the air is crisp and the wind blows, I think of you and I am reminded of all that I’ve lost. All that we have lost even if you can’t see it. I wonder what you were thinking about when I’m no longer at the other end of your phone and suddenly….

I feel nothing at all, yet I feel everything.

JMS