My heart was heavy with guilt and fear.

I greatly desired to let go of both of them, but the hold was too strong.

Unlike before, the drive to you wasn’t full of dancing and happiness.

It was full of sadness and regret.

“My normal fear is of letting go and being destroyed, being left, things not working. Ya know. Typical.”

“And my fear with you is,…that you were made for me.”

You words kept replaying in my mind like a favorite song.

I love how you’re so sweet, compassionate, funny, intelligent, sexy, absolutely beautiful inside and out…….

….how you were assertive the first night that we met and kissed me and then you said, “I’m sorry. I just felt like that needed to happen right now.”

“Oh yes, it did need to happen right now,” is what I was thinking.

….how you’re willing to open yourself up to me.

How we can sit around reading Trivia Pursuit questions to each other and have a great time.

How you’ve shared so much of yourself with me so far.

How you care and truly want to know about me and my life.

Past life, soul mates, reunited again in this life????

It’s all just a mystery, isn’t it?

I can’t think of one single time that I met someone and felt as if I had known them before, as if we had already been together.

Although I’ve always been open-minded, I was unclear on my beliefs regarding reincarnation until I met you.

My drive to you was about to end. Nerves took over in a way that nearly killed me. Dread. Pain. Loss for what never will be.

Would you forgive me for just showing up like this?

Would you understand that I couldn’t just walk away without a fight?

I knock, you answer.

Your smile….oh that beautiful and sweet smile.

Don’t look at me like that. It’s just going to kill me and make this so much harder.

You hug me. I melt. Why can’t I do this with you?

It’s not fair to you. I have to let you go.

You take me to the dining room. There are candles. You bought placemats. I can’t stop the laughter.

You bought placemats.

You also cooked me dinner.

Noodles with broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, peppers and onions. It smells so good.

I really don’t want to tell you what I came here to say. The moment that I saw your face, it felt like a huge mistake.

But I have to. Don’t I? I have to let you go.

My heart hurts. Why is the universe so cruel? Why can’t things not be so complicated, just for once?

While we’re eating dinner, I glance at you and can’t control what I feel inside. An image flashes before my eyes. Our life together. How we’d fulfill each other, supporting the others dreams and sharing great adventures. How you’d wake up before me and tuck me in the covers, kiss my nose and tell me how many ways you love me while I’m sleeping.

This is insane. This can’t happen. I won’t put myself through it nor will I leave you with a shattered heart. I will end this now. I will let go before it even begins.

It hasn’t begun yet, right? Or has it? Either way. It has to stop right now.

On your way to the kitchen, you gently touch my shoulder, attempting to get my attention. I jump. You asked me if I wanted anything else? I get up to bring you my plate. You come around the corner at the same time. You stop right in front of me. We both freeze.

I want time to freeze. I need time to think about what I am doing, about what needs to be done. I need time to…and as I lay my plate on the counter, you take me into your arms…..and suddenly I’m weakened to the point that my legs won’t move. My voice won’t speak and all I can do is kiss you back.

I want to freeze this moment. I want time to stop. Right now. I want to kiss you until…….

You wrap your arms around me and I want desperately to allow the warmth that you have to give to fill me up.

You said, “So…you mentioned that you had something to tell me. Are you ready to talk?” No. No. I’m not. I’m not ready to see the way you look at me change. I’m not ready to give you up. I’m not ready to say goodbye when we just met. The pain in my heart is huge. This isn’t fair. WHY???????

“Yes, let’s do it.”

We sit on your couch. You’re barely looking at me, as if you already know that my words are going to crush you.

Before I even speak, you ask me if you can say one thing and your words give me goose bumps.

“I know that you’re still in love with her. I understand that sometimes loving someone doesn’t end. I also don’t expect to replace her in your heart. I want my own place there. I know that you’re scared of the feelings after only a few weeks, but sometimes it does happen. Sometimes you can meet someone and just know immediately that you can’t ever be you again without them. If I have to let you go, I will, but you have pieces of me already. I don’t know if we were lovers in a past life but I do know that we have a connection. We can go as slow as you need to go..”

I sit there. Speechless. Holding back tears.

“…….I also don’t expect to replace her in your heart. I want my own place there.”

Gahhhhh!!!!

Can I just walk away from you? Can I deny the connection between us?

At that very moment, I have no control over myself. I can’t leave you. I give in because maybe it has been you all along. Maybe, I was wrong about her. Maybe I am supposed to be happy as her friend but in love with someone else. Maybe.

Again.. Maybe not.

Your smile. I don’t know if I’ve fallen in love with YOU yet, but I have most definitely fallen head over heals in love with your smile.

and your eyes…

and the way you kiss me.

and you kissed me.

You lay me down and whisper in my ear, “I was born to tell you I love you.”

I can’t do this. I am so sorry. I just can’t. It’s not you. I promise. You’re great. Your eyes. The way they look at me, reminds me of something, someone….oh god. I have to go.

I feel myself pulling away from you. You’re so confused. You’re looking at me with such sadness. Did I do that to you? Oh god, I am so sorry!

You will never have any idea how much regret I feel. I never meant to hurt you.

I have to go.

You said, “You can’t leave this late. You need some sleep. Stay in my bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

You’re so compassionate and understanding. It’s killing me.

I can’t do this to you.

I grab my stuff knowing that leaving you right now will probably be the end of anything between us.

I hug you. I feel your heartbeat against mine. I hear you choke down tears.

I’m so sorry!!!! Please forgive me. I am so damn sorry.

I leave. I run.

Crying all the way home…..

Someone told me that you know when you meet the one because you don’t have to force them to love you.

What if I just let the one go?????

JMS