Where Love Heals

My heart was heavy with guilt and fear.
I longed to let go, but their grip was too strong.

Unlike before, the pull toward you was not full of laughter or joy.
It was sadness. Regret.

“My normal fear is of letting go, of being destroyed, being left, things not working… typical.”

“And my fear with you… that you were made for me.”

Your words replayed in my mind, like a song I couldn’t forget.

I love how you are—sweet, compassionate, funny, intelligent, breathtakingly beautiful inside and out.
How you kissed me the first night, assertive yet apologetic:
“I just felt like that needed to happen right now.”
“Yes… it did,” I thought.

How you open yourself to me.
How we can sit, tossing Trivia Pursuit questions back and forth, laughing like children.
How you care, truly care, about me and my life.

Past lives. Soulmates. Reunited.
A mystery I cannot explain.
I’ve never met anyone who felt so familiar, as if we had already been together.
Reincarnation—I didn’t believe in it fully… until you.

And then, my drive to you faltered.
Nerves, dread, pain… the ache of loss for something that may never be.

Would you forgive me for showing up like this?
Would you understand that I couldn’t walk away without a fight?

I knock. You answer.
Your smile—oh, that smile—soft, sweet, devastating.
Don’t look at me like that, I want to scream.
It will make this impossible.

You hug me. I melt.
Why can’t I stay?
Why must I let you go?

You take me to the dining room. Candles. Placemats. You cooked dinner—noodles with broccoli, peppers, mushrooms, carrots, onions.
I laugh. You bought placemats. You cooked.
The absurdity of it cracks me up, but my chest tightens.

I don’t want to tell you what I came here to say.
The moment I saw your face, it felt like a mistake.
But I have to. I must let you go.

While we eat, I glance at you, and my mind betrays me.
Our life together flashes before me:
adventures, laughter, support, love, mornings with kisses and whispered I love yous.
This is insane. I can’t do this.
I won’t leave you broken. I have to end it.

But then… you brush my shoulder in the kitchen.
I jump. You ask if I want anything else.
We collide by the counter.
Time stops.
I lay my plate down.
You take me into your arms.
I am weak. Speechless. Silent.
I kiss you back.

I want to freeze the moment.
I want to live in this warmth forever.

“So… are you ready to talk?” you ask.
No. No, I am not ready.
I am not ready to give you up.
I am not ready to see the sadness in your eyes.
I am not ready to say goodbye.

“Yes,” I whisper. “Let’s do it.”

We sit. You barely meet my eyes.
You know already.
“I know you’re still in love with her. I don’t expect to replace her in your heart. I just want my own place. We can go as slow as you need. But something in me knows… you can’t ever be you again without me.”

I am speechless. Holding back tears.
“I don’t expect to replace her. I just want my own place.”

Can I walk away? Deny the connection?
No. I cannot.
Maybe it’s you all along.
Maybe my heart has been waiting for this all along.

Your smile. Your eyes. The way you kissed me.
You lay me down and whisper, “I was born to tell you I love you.”

I can’t. I can’t stay.
It’s not you. I can’t.
I have to go.

You offer me the bed. I grab my things.
I hug you, feeling your heartbeat, hearing you choke back tears.
I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.
I leave. I run.
Crying all the way home.

They say you know the one because you don’t have to force love.
What if I let the one go?

JMS

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