Yesterday morning, like most mornings while getting ready for work, I opened my closet door and grabbed something to wear. I didn’t think about it. I just did it. I shaved my legs with a brand new razor and questioned the red marks but quickly dismissed it, as I knew that no one would notice. I wore a blue blouse with dark jeans and boots, put on my jewelry, and grabbed my stuff and headed out the door. Before leaving, I glanced in the mirror for a few moments, pleased with the person staring back at me. I was confidant and secure in who I’ve become. I notice a difference every time I see myself. Striving and working hard to be the best me that I can be and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am truly comfortable in my own skin.

After work, I rushed home wondering if I should change clothes before she arrived at my house. I tried on several different outfits, unhappy with every selection. Each time that I looked in the mirror, I sighed and became aware of every single imperfection on my body. The positive thoughts about myself were suddenly replaced with self loathing.

“Why are my calves so damn big?”
“Why is my stomach still not flat?”
“My butt is too big.”
“I need to work out more.”
“I need to stop eating so much.”
“No one is ever going to love me for who I am.”
“Maybe I really should learn how to wear make-up.”
“Ugghhhh, I hate myself.”

Is Victoria Secret going to ask me to model for them anytime soon? Umm, no. Would they have hired me when I was 19-years-old? Probably. Yes. Am I still the same person that I was at 19-years-old? God, no and I am so thankful for that. Maybe I was prettier then than I am now, but I’m wiser and I’ve grown in ways that beauty just doesn’t compare to.

The things that I noticed about myself changed within a matter of 10 hours. Only because my circumstances changed. I went from someone confidant in who I am to someone afraid to be myself. So eager to impress and show this one person that I am good enough, that I forgot for a second to just be me.

Why do I do this to myself? What am I so afraid of? Am I really going to roll over and die if someone doesn’t love me or think I’m beautiful enough, or smart enough or good enough? Probably not, but it’s so hard sometimes…trying to balance who I am and also wanting to just be loved. I hear often, “just be yourself,” and so I am, but then I’m rejected and it’s taking a lot of hard work and determination to get here…to this place of peace and pure happiness and I have to keep loving myself. I have to find a way to rebuke those negative thoughts and know that I am more, that I AM WORTHY. I have to keep being my own cheerleader. Because at the end of the day, I’m still me and I’m worth it.

I’ve wasted too much time wondering what’s wrong with me when it’s taken me a lifetime to get here, I should be proud of the girl staring back at me and so today, I smiled back at her.

JMS