Where Love Heals

As I sit here thinking about you… the sound of your voice, the softness of your lips, that beautiful smile that somehow turns me into a giddy thirteen-year-old girl all over again… I can’t stop smiling.

You take my breath away.

My mind replays every conversation we’ve had over and over again. My heart is on fire. You’re everywhere. In every thought. In every quiet moment.

I give in.

I surrender to whatever this is because I believe in its magic.

These feelings I have for you aren’t something I can push aside anymore. I can’t dismiss them. I can’t outrun them.

I long to hold you. To kiss every scar you’ve ever carried until they disappear into oblivion. I crave you the way people crave oxygen.

It feels like our souls finally found each other at exactly the right time… and suddenly every ounce of hell I’ve survived makes sense because maybe… just maybe… it was always leading me back to you.

Then it happens.

Right in the middle of my happy place, while I’m dancing with you in my mind, my past creeps in like a demon in the dark.

Suddenly the air disappears.

I can’t breathe.

Fear takes over every inch of me. It builds itself a home inside my mind, and I remember everything.

Being left behind.

The shattered pieces of my heart.

The parts of my sanity I never quite got back.

Curling up into a ball and begging for the pain to stop.

The walls begin closing in around me.

How did I get here again?

I’m numb… but somehow I feel everything all at once.

I’m choking on my own breath.

There is no air.

Everything I see, touch, hear… it all reminds me of what it feels like to be broken.

I can’t survive that kind of pain again.

I run to you…

But you’re gone.

I wanted so desperately to know all of you. I wanted to understand you. To feel what you feel. To know your flaws, your fears, and the things that keep you awake at night.

I wanted to learn the man you’ve become.

My greatest desire was to kiss every wound you’ve ever carried and make your heart forget pain ever existed.

I wanted to be what you desired.

I wanted to be your deepest craving.

Your fingerprints are all over my heart now.

And suddenly I’m standing in the middle of a bottomless pit of emptiness.

I swore I’d never allow myself to get here again.

I was happy before you…

But now…

I can’t breathe.

I gave in knowing my deepest fears would never truly leave me.

I believed in you.

I believed in us.

I believed in the possibility of a happily ever after.

Am I a fool?

Maybe.

The worst part is there’s no going back now.

I can’t un-know you.

I can’t pretend you were a dream or some beautiful figment of my imagination.

I know you’re real because I felt you inside of me.

Weakness is consuming me.

You left me.

I stand perfectly still because I’m terrified that if I move even an inch, I will finally break.

I will shatter.

Then my phone beeps.

It’s a message from you.

I smile.

I answer.

I pretend nothing is wrong.

I bury every fear deep inside where no one can find it.

Because I believe in this.

And what does that even mean?

Everything.

I adore you.

There was once a version of me you’ll never know. She existed long before you. She is the reason I became the woman standing in front of you now.

And I’m terrified.

Terrified that when I finally tell you about her, you’ll leave.

But I’m even more terrified because no matter when you leave… I can’t un-know you.

I can’t un-know your smile.

Your desires.

The pieces of yourself you’ve trusted me enough to share.

I can’t un-know your lips, your sweet voice, or the sound of your laughter.

I want to open myself to you completely.

All of me.

The beautiful pieces.

The broken pieces.

The parts I’ve never shown another soul.

You make me weak in the knees.

And all I want is more.

More of you.

More moments.

More memories.

So I’ll keep my fears buried.

I’ll cherish every second, every message, every smile, every breath.

Until…

I can’t breathe anymore.

Jacque Michele