The Ache

Someone asked me if I am single.
I laughed and said yes.

and they asked if I was dating.

I said no.

Because how do I explain
that my heart belongs
to someone
who never really chose it?

How do I explain

that the hardest part
isn’t that I chose
walk away,

it’s that he taught me
what it felt like
to be seen

and now everything else
feels like a comparison?

I am single.

But I am carrying
the memory of a man
I cannot seem to unlove.

Not because he saved me.

Not because I believe
he is the only person
I could ever love.

But because for a little while
he looked at me
as though nothing sacred
had been taken from me.

He didn’t make me feel ruined.

And some kinds of tenderness
leave fingerprints.

And there are days
when I wish love
were enough to solve that.

But it isn’t.

Because love is not
the only thing
a life is built from.

A life is built from choice.

And this is the part
that hurts.

Because if I move on,
it will never be him.

But if I stay,
it will never be me.

So I stand here,
learning the slow grief
of loving someone

and choosing myself
again.